"Miss me a little, but not for long..."

The quote comes from a poem called A Scot's Farewell.

My mother, the strongest woman I know, read that poem last Wednesday as a tribute to her father.

Saturday, June 11th, Dadaw's earthly life came to an end, and he was welcomed into Heaven to share an eternity with our Lord.


We knew the day was coming. Dadaw had COPD from years of smoking and working the docks at the Houston Ship Channel, and he recently became pretty dependent on an oxygen tank to supplement his breathing. Dadaw also had lung cancer. At first, it seemed beatable -- a few rounds of chemo and some radiation had shrunk and stabilized the mass in his lung. Unfortunately, the cancer metastasized and spread to his adrenal gland. Unwilling to endure the trauma and uncertain outcome of more chemo treatments, Dadaw embraced his fate. And so we waited....

I'm so grateful for the advances of modern technology -- without Skype, Dadaw would have never met his great-grandson, and I would have never said my thank-yous and good-byes. It's times like these that make it so difficult for me to accept the reality of being a military family. Maybe if Jason wasn't in the military, I/we could have been there...in person. Then again...maybe not. I just don't know.

I am also immensely grateful for Frequent Flyer Miles, and for my parents' unending generosity. When Jason and I got word that Dadaw had passed, my parents did not hesitate to book me the first nonstop flight to Texas that I could get on. And three days later, when Jason got leave, they booked him a flight, too. I am so glad I got to be with my family, to grieve with them, and to share the happiness of my new baby boy with them.


You might be wondering, "What was it like having Everett on the plane?" Well, first you would have to ask, "What was it like getting through security at the airport...?" THAT was quite an undertaking. I checked one large suitcase that was packed with a week's worth of my and Everett's stuff, and I still managed to have three carry-ons -- the computer bag/Everett's diaper bag, my overloaded purse, and my breast pump. Oh, and I guess technically Everett was considered a "carry-on item" as well. I had Everett strapped to my chest with the Moby Wrap. So imagine me, wearing Everett, heaving three carry-ons onto the conveyor belt (one of which required removing my laptop from the bag), kicking off my sneakers (which someone else ended up putting on the conveyor belt for me), and all just minutes before my plane started boarding. I was questioned about the liquids I was carrying (bottles of breast milk), and I had to get a "modified thorough pat-down" because I couldn't remove and then retie the Moby Wrap onto my body while still holding Everett. Then the nice TSA agent lectured me on getting a more convenient baby carrier for the next time I fly. *sigh*

Once I got my bags back in order, slipped on my untied shoes, and got Everett calmed down and situated, we practically ran to the gate. He started fussing a little during the security debacle, and we were quickly approaching his feeding time. Fortunately, we got to board early. And fortunately, we had one of the "Economy Plus" seats with extra legroom (which of course we paid an extra fee for -- don't even get me started on stupid airline fees). I fed Everett as soon as we were on the plane, and he was content to fall directly to sleep once I put him back in the Moby Wrap. And thankfully, he slept almost the entire flight. He only woke up a few times to alert me of dirty diapers and an empty tummy. I thought changing a diaper in the airplane lavatory would be near impossible...but it really wasn't so bad. I was so relieved when we landed in Houston! And Everett was no worse for wear. :)

That night was the first night I was a "single mom". Even with the two-hour time difference, Everett's bedtime routine went fairly smoothly. I was bracing myself for a sleepless night, but was pleasantly surprised -- Everett slept and ate right on schedule. I, on the other hand, was kind of a wreck. I just missed Jason. And I sure missed the help with nighttime diaper changes. After I called Jason for the fourth time in less than an hour, I convinced myself that we'd be fine, and I settled in for the night. When morning came, I felt surprisingly rested! Still, I was really looking forward to Jason joining us in Texas.

On Wednesday, Jason woke up around 3:00am to catch the 6:15 flight leaving San Jose. Everett and I were running errands and getting ready for the first of many family gatherings. That evening was the viewing, memorial, and Rosary for Dadaw. It was also the first opportunity that any relatives and family-friends would have to meet Everett. The evening was overflowing with emotion -- sadness and grief for Dadaw, excitement and surprise that Jason and Everett and I were there. I remember one of my cousins said, "it sure is hard to be sad looking at that little guy." Indeed. And that was exactly one of the reasons that I wanted so badly to be there. I wanted to share the happiness and optimism of this new life with those that might otherwise not be able to look beyond the despair of losing Dadaw. I was glad that Jason could be there to support me the way I was there to support so many others. And I was glad to see Dadaw and say a final good-bye.

Thursday morning was hectic. We arrived at the church almost 30 minutes late (which is kind of "par for the course" with a 7-week-old in tow). After a somber mass, the usual funeral hymns (On Eagle's Wings being a special request of my grandmother), and plenty of tears, we moved on to a reception where friends and family could gather and reminisce about Dadaw -- the wonderful man he was, and the wonderful life he led. My little sister put together a slideshow of photos and music, which was being shown repeatedly throughout the reception. I wish I knew the stories that went with so many of those pictures. Dadaw had such a full life, and he touched so many people. Eighty-six years he was on this earth, sixty of which he spent married to my grandmother.... He set an amazing example of dedication, hard work, perseverance, and love. What a gift and a blessing that I knew him at all.

Jason, Everett, and I were staying at my older sister's house while we were in town. This was particularly exciting because it was the first chance Jason had to meet my sister's new baby girl, Hannah, and also the first opportunity any of my sister's family had to meet Everett (well, except for a few Skype sessions previously). Going from a family of three, to living with a five- and three-year-old is quite a change! The kids were super excited about "Baby Cousin Essitt", and my sister was thrilled to have some sister-time with me and auntie-time with Everett. Things were a bit chaotic for the week, but I know I'll look back and be glad we had that time together. :)

Saturday came too quickly. Although we had been in town for almost a week, there still seemed to be not enough time to spend with everyone we wanted. As we headed to the airport, I kept thinking, "maybe we should have visited so-and-so, and maybe I should've given so-and-so one more hug, and maybe so-and-so would've liked more time to hold little Everett...." Again I was reminded of the consequences of being a military family -- particularly, having to leave everyone I know and love to be with my husband wherever duty calls. *sigh*

Getting through security the second time was much easier! First of all, I had Jason with me to help with my bags and Everett. Secondly, there was absolutely no line to get through the security screening, so there was no pressure of feeling rushed. (Apparently, Saturday evening is a pretty good time to fly from Houston to San Jose.) Getting to the gate was easy. And even boarding the plane was pretty stress-free. Once we were on the plane, however...things started to unravel.

We were some of the first people on the plane, which is fine, but then you have to wait a pretty long time to get everyone else on board. And we were delayed a little because of a connecting flight. And then we were delayed a little more because Catering was still restocking the plane. All the while, it was about 100 degrees outside, and the plane had minimal A/C on the ground. Everett, bound up in the Moby Wrap, was starting to sweat. I was uncomfortable, Jason was uncomfortable, and Everett was getting increasingly cranky. Everett needed to eat right when the plane started taxi-ing to the runway. And just about the time we took off, there was a dirty diaper in need of changing. Just our luck -- you can't get up to use the lavatory until the plane has reached cruising altitude. So we did the best we could -- we changed Everett's diaper on my lap. (Thank goodness for that $80 extra legroom!)

Everett alternated between bouts of sleep and bouts of fussiness for the remainder of the flight. I think we had three diaper changes by the time the plane landed (all of which were performed on my lap) and two barely-productive feeding sessions (too many distractions on a plane, I guess). Once we touched down in San Jose, I could finally breath a sigh of relief -- we had all survived our first trip as a family!

Now we're trying to readjust back to our daily routines. Jason's going back to class. And Everett and I are doing...whatever it is that Everett and I do. It's quiet here at home...and a little lonely. Yes, I have friends here, but it's just not the same. I have a big, loud, sometimes obnoxious family, and sometimes when I'm visiting I say to myself, "man, I can't wait to go back home!" But even amid all the chaos and hullabaloo, I know that when I'm with my family, I am surrounded by an absolute outpouring of love. I really miss that.

I better get going.... There's so much to be done now that we're back. I think I'll start with watering the vegetable garden -- it makes me happy to see beautiful things growing. And it reminds me of Dadaw.


A Scot's Farewell

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no tears in a gloom-filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not for long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take
And each must go alone
It's all a part of the master plan
A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friend we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me ... but let me go.